Sunday, September 2, 2007

Aaron Tiyan

BJlog by Aaron Tiyan

   Throughout my application process to UPDS, I have met some very interesting characters, and in particular the Grandmaster of the BJ.

   BJ, the acronym for Barometric Juxtaposition, is defined by the Hoaxford dictionary as "a mode of judgment based on the judgment that the mode is judged upon." Though for weaker minds this definition may appear circular and non-sensical, the more intellectually gifted mind will see into the verse and glean from it a treasure trove of knowledge and insight not readily available to the common man. I, having the honor and fortune to have seen into this verse will attempt to explain it into terms that lesser beings may understand. Because the Hoaxford dictionary requires 5th order transdimensional parabolic-hyperboloid thinking, one must isolate the many facets of definition so as to fully comprehend the scope of this very complex word. I will only be able to explain the first and most basic facet of the BJ definition, as I would have to publish a book to be able to explain all 19,348,217 facets.

   The first facet of Barometric Juxtaposition is many things. It is a philosophy and technique in judgment, a higher form of artistic expression, and more importantly, a lifestyle. I will explain all of these in just a moment.

   As a philosophy, BJ is a mode of thinking wherein one is able to vividly see the logical and causal connections between strands of information that resides in the fabric of speech. This philosophy frees the person from al forms of creative and intellectual hindrance to achieve true sight, the state wherein one truly sees, and at the same time, sees the truth. Of course, in order to tap into this state of mind and being, one must know the technique implied and required by the philosophy. Unfortunately, I am not at liberty to disclose this information, as the thousand monks of the Juxtaposti Barometrium Order will have me skewered on a hundred baseball bats for revealing their secret.

  It is also a higher form of artistic expression. Given that the Barometric Juxtapositor is able to "vividly see the logical and causal connectionos between strands of information", it must follow then that the most skilled of the Juxtapositors will be able to manipulate these strands. So much that is actually possible to modify fact. (For example, a very skilled Juxtapositor will be able to prove that 1 = 2) The most skilled of all Juxtapositors will be able to actually create fact. (For example, he may say that a Turkducken is actually a hybrid of turkey, duck, and chicken, and poof, a turkducken will appear.)

  Such power of course requires a proportional amount of responsibility, and while Juxxtapositary Technique addresses this on passing, it is not enough to know BJ. One must live it. And thus, BJ becomes a lifestyle. This is the same lifestyle lived by the monks of the Juxtaposti Barometrium Order, and it involves a complete detachment from all social and psychological constructs, as well as, but not limited to, sexual barriers, sexual barriers, and sexual barriers. In fact, homosexuality is encouraged in this very secretive organization, which is the main factor in the categorically stagnant population. It is of no consequence of course; all serious practitioners of BJ are immortal.

  Epic though the BJ Order may be, there is still a greater organization that employs these wondrous philosophers. (Albeit as leaders) And that is the MAC.
   The MAC, or Magisterial Adjudicial Consortium (Sometimes known as the Membership and Administration Committee) is some sort of government body ruling over a certain undisclosed number of elements. The extent of its powers is largely unknown, but it is safe to assume omnipotence. In fact, it has been known at one point to declare blue as yellow, and yellow as the number 3. (This of course, caused widespread rallying, but eventually it was stopped due to the confusion incurred on the rallyists when "yes" was declared as "no".) Though it may be powerful, it is hardly ruthless. An excellent example of BJian benevolence, it is responsible for its actions and its kindness is shown in its dedication to its subjects and in the projects that it enacts. I myself, being the representative of my nation, the League of Extraordinarily Voracious Ipsids, have felt the warmth of the MAC. It has given me lodging and food, as well as entertainment in my various travels to the various events held by the MAC itself. And it is in one of these magnificent events that I have had the honor of studying under the Grandmaster of BJ himself.

   All this of course amounts to an ultimate goal: membership into the Universal Plebiate of the Debatus System, which is governed partially by the MAC. The Debatus System, contrary to intuition, isn't just limited to the home star-system of the planet Debati (which is known for being the only planet in the universe without left turns) but rather, it refers to the gigantic organization spanning across tens of thousands of registered galaxies, which regularly participate in the argumentation and judgement of both trivial and important issues concerning the known universe.

   My bid to enter my nation into the UPDS was a difficult one, full of hardship and frustration, but at the same time, rewarding and fun. Never before have I created so many alliances with other nations - incredibly able nations, full of intellect and logical prowess. I have learned a lot; from the ways of the BJ (except maybe for the lifestyle part) to the diplomatic abilities required to interact with other nations. And for this, I owe UPDS my loyalty with or without acceptance.

   And thus, I end my log before I take my week-long journey to the Planet Debati, where I will undertake the final step of my application.

1 comment:

Richard Henrick said...

my god. this becomes a praise bj blog na. i bet apps should not answer the first question anymore. hahahaha.